Night Rabbit

I don’t usually write anything down. But this story can no longer wait a second longer. I’m feel like I have got to put everything in a word because these are the most valuable memory of my life and now in the darkest hour there is no hope of such time will return ever.

My name is Tai. July 7 2008, I was on my way to Jakarta, Indonesia. Ambitious and eager to enter the world, I was one of the 4 Hitachi Young Leader Initiative representative from Thailand. My Expectation then was nothing more than open my eyes and learn the knowledge from this high value program. 4 of us were sent to Jakarta’s 4 seasons hotel. I heard there will be others from different 7 countries. Have to tell you, I have been living in Japan for a year, and I just do not expect Japanese representative to be cute or pretty, because usually (from what I have seen from everywhere) people with this high talent and ability would not likely to be caring much of self appearance. Either way, I am not a perfect person, I am far away from perfection than anyone.

That night, welcome dinner night, I went down to the dinner hall on the second floor. I took an elavator and walk up by the stair to the room. Everybody was in a suit, tie and everything. I remember it was a spearical room. After chattering with other representative, we took our seat waiting for the chairman to open to program. He gave a quick speech, with the ending like we should not spoke long because everybody is getting hungry. Still they have us introduicing ourself one by one before the dinning start. One by one start, until themicrophone reach the table. A girl with a long hair tied behind her face walk in a rush. A blazer ware and the sirt I still remember. She spoke hurry on the microphone, appologizing for her latelness and introuce herself. Her name is Moe. She was like an angel to me and I am not being over saturate… my heart fall for this girl I just do not know why. ooking at her and listen to her I told my self dont be stupid just admire her she just out of reach, I told myself that. Still I can not help myself looking over sholders to see her face was beautiful time.Beautiful time.

After eerybody finish their introduction, I was just standing their at the food knowing she will walk this way (throughly i  am very nrvous and don’t know what to say nor dont’ even konw what I am doing.) She walk pass and I say Hi. She was being nice and talking in replay said her name was Moe. (Then I keep repeating her name in my mind, never ever to foreget) I said I am Tai from Thailand. What a stupidest thing to say right? Then she go to the food, and I just feeling stupid. Nervous and shy. Shy would be a suitable word but I never feel like this, I am not that easy to shy type of guy but just not this time.

Day pass and it’s 8 July. I remember when the staff point out who will be in my team, god i pray it to be her on my team. I sit behind her at the briefing room. After the announcement, I poke her gently in the back and ask what your name was? She said Moe. (Now why did I do that? She gave a look that you don’t remember by name!!! and turn away, but NO i dont forget your name, I am just being STUPID again!!! I just want to talkt o you, but I can not think of anything else, I just want to make sure that goodddd she wasnt on my group) What a stupid thing to do but I just can’t help it… I just feel strange around her.

Day pass and nothing really happen just look from far away. I’m telling you not even now I have to intention to get her out. I know and I am not stupid she from Jaan for god sake, beautiful smart and everything and together with us for only a week!. But just can not stop admire her. At night guys they talk about girls and she was one of the topic for her perfection in our perception.

Then a day come… I do not remember the date but I tell you, it’s the night that we have to show our culture from where we came from. I was doing a stupid dance show and funny through. But her turn first and amazingly she come and talk to me!!!! Well in fact she was just wanted to borrow my notebook and her friend told her that I have a notebook. I went up to the room bring back to notebook for her. We sit on the sofa at the lobby in front of the ballroom. I said… you know this is like my girlfriend!!! (WTF?! Why did I said that, I want to mean that this Notebook is important thing to me like a girlfriend and its just stupid and its computer geek stuff I SHOULDnt say that now!!! being stupid again) She was just a bit confuse and saying what? and it took few second before she realize my joke. Damn what did I say!!! How stupid I am. I remember this, it was a hanabata day you know japanese tradition day where 2 loves seperate by milky way and got to see each other once every year or something. So they do the thing on this event since it is the same day. I was their controlling voice and and music for her from beside the stage… she was so beautiful… ( Do not get me wrong, I am not in love, people can not fall in love from just the perception) So the day end.

Taking a break, I feel like I can not type fast enough afraid I forget things before I type down or what I have skip. I just have to go into detail as much as I can to keep all the memory I am just thinking and typeing. After this it’s just a flash of my memory now. I’m not even sure on the sequence of the event. It has been more than a year.

It was a press release day, where selected representative from each team get to talk in front of the press. Really in my mind I wanted to be that person but how stupid it is that the reason was just trying to impress her. But events after this, I am glad not to be selected. While everybody was hurry and busy doing their thing… I came to this press release room at the hotel, seeing her sitting alone and empty seat beside her. I have  only 2-3 days left in this program. So I took my brave actually it don’t take that much, I don’t even think, I just do what I have to do to follow my feeling. So I sat next to her and start talking to her. I am really a sad person really and now that I look into her deep brown eyes (I hope I remember it right). This close I know she sad… so I talk to her about what troubling her mind and she told me about what she just broke up with her boyfriend and things. We talk and talk and it feel like we can talk… you know it’s the feeling you know when you can talk to somebody and this is that somebody. I remember this feeling, she said what she have done for her boyfriend then and I felt like gosh I want to be him really. But do not get me wrong, STILL I have no intention to ask her out not yet. It’s just the feeling of shy and strange when you talk to somebody you admire. Later, I know there are people watching me talking to her. But I don’t give shit man, I’m not type of guy who give a shit about this kindda thing. Do what you gotta do, say whatever you say, this is how i roll my life.

Anyway this is a spark… i felt it and don’t know what is it… It just more than just another beautiful women. She just understandin and all…. nothing like any feeling I had before…no. That night we had a party at the pool as for dinner and doing sport and stuff.  Doing sport and activity and stuff… I tried my best to be notice by her really… being stupid again. Then when people start to leave, few friends play the pool, me and Moe were in their. It’s funny how I felt so close to her in such a short time. She wear these bikini… really flunk me out… My heart just can not stop pupmping really fast (I’m not being horny) just nervous. She ride my back a few time playing stuff in the pool. First time for me for any girl ride my back in the pool or out of the pool really. I am engineer student, we talk to lots of girl but not really being anyone just do our work and keep our profession straight. Anyway, I talk to her and stuff I show her my stupid trick (coin trick go through mouth and come out from my neck) I don’t know she figure it out and act like not knowing or she just really like this trick. Best time, best time.

I think the next day it was the visit homeless child day. All day that day, I try to be notice by her really, but It seems like she have a really good way of separate personal stuff and duty. I failed to get her notice me anyway. or that is what i think. On our way through the day, other guys just flirting and all on the bus, I don’t know why really upset me. lol. I think it was the same day at night we went to Karaoke and gotta told you i suck at it. Try to impress her i sang where is the love by black eyed pea. I think i get her to notice me a bit since everybody include her stood up and dance. good time. That night, last night, we plan to spend our time on the pool again together and talk. Thanks to a friend who failed to ask Moe friend out and cried like a baby seek her advice, so she can’t be with me. I was like WTF!!! WTF!@! fkdafj;dasjfd;ksafjk;sdalfjsak WTF!!!! FUCK YOU DUDE! GROW UP! (ok that was too strong i’m sorry) What I am trying to say is that… it’s not common for guy (any guy I know) to cry like a baby after she just want to be friend. I mean we have this thing but primary school? Anyway but this thing just … block my chance!!! Fuck! (sorry i’m really pissed just to think about it sir) I just want to spend time that I dont have much left with her… that’s all. But she said to me sorry and stuff and really I understand… i really do, so i told her it’s ok and it’s ok. I remember we said things like we still open to anyone right? and I was yes and trying my best to understand all the reasons. She wanted to hug but since it was at the lobby and late at night and she was in a pool suit (long dress where you cover your swin suit) it just was not appropriate so I say its not ok… but DAMN!!!! DAMNNNNN… if i can turn back time now… I will hold her forever… screw anybody whatever they think… I should hold her as long as I can.

11 July 2008. Last day… she took the trouble to see me off… she wear a blue shirt with her favorite black scarf. She was beautiful. We took picture…  became not may picture I have left of her… I don’t have picture wiht her that much. I look at this picture all the time… and my tears just drop down. She was so beautiful and I was off to home.

We talked so much over the internet… chatting over the msn, using web camera… and all. Feeling start to change, I don’t know when or why or how… whenever I have a problem I talk to her, she have a problem she talk to me… now matter how my was BAD, she made it better. Everything went by fast but I sense the doubt in her mind that I am so far away and away. I am doing my best to comfort her and on going with our days together. Looking back, I think what I love for her is not b/c she beautiful or smart or anything other than the fact that when I am around her, I am my self. I am not afraid of being myself. When I be myself she smile and rejoice and give me courage and everything, I never felt this, I always afraid to let anybody know my true self. With her it just seems right to be with her and learning her I think she felt the same way I feel. If she wasn’t their, I left offline message and she think it is sweet and she send me back offline messages too. We never say goodbye to each other. First time she said good bye and I said no good bye but talk to you later and she said that is what i am waiting you to say. Everything seems perfect. For few months gone by quickly… and she was planning to go visit many country with her friend and Thailand was among the choosen country. I manage to setup everything for her and friends plan in Thailand.

The day came, when we finally get to meet again. I went and pick the girls up at the airport. She wore this same scarf but in a black dress this time. We had a hug… and drive them into the city she sat next to the driver seat, we didn’t talk much well i kindda understand the fact that her friend was around and everything.

I sent them to the beach where I’m not going, give her a phone and keep contact. This is another part, where I know I start to love her… I just keep worrying whether she will be fine, so I called her often. But this is what I told you about I took my chance calling knowing it might annoy her but I just being myself and In fact she later told me she understand my caring and she thankful for it and all. See? It’s this feeling that I can be who I am with her and she be her self when she is around.

When she got back I took them to Ampawa water market. Gotta tell you i think a bit left out through well when girl with their friends I kindda understand. I was expecting us to take time to chat privately together a bit and all but none of that happen. I think I’m a bit loosing her through but later on i see that she just secretly took picture of me wating for her at the lobby looking high at something and comment that photo (”aiming highh”) you know that is exactly who I am in what I do… always aim high when doing anything. I was too stupid to notice that this picture was taken by Moe, I am such an idiot. Now that I later saw this pic and see her comment (last week) I cried , cried and cried. well we will get to that part later.

When we get back to Bangkok I took her to many places. But in the end at night after all the girls back to the hotel (in my university) I took her out for a night drive. First time we went, she told me this is her first time out at night with a guy. I took her to this restaurant an have late night meal drive around and all. I can’t really tell whether it is the same night or not just flash of memory. I took her to my home just a night driving and on the way she open the car window and play the wind, she just accidently let trueself out while playing the wind and she said sorry for being too lose. I smile and said come on! be your self i love you being yourself and re open the window… her tears fall off.. i kindda understand japanese culture thing. Arriving at my home just let her see the house not went in… I have no such intention. and come back… I now love her and I respect her. On the way back,… on a small traffic… I said… I love you… all the sudden she move closer and hug in so close… so close and stay their for so long i remember every millisecond remember every detail of that moment. Action spoke so louder than any word. We hold hands on the way back and the song was perfect (Tifa Theme from Final Fantasy All in piano)  Just listen to this song bring back all that memory that night. That night we came back to the hotel I park and give her a note and a chopstick… (japanese wedding ceremony chopstick made out of 2 pair of blue and red chopstick) I gave her one each color as promise to be with her forever.  It was important item to me, given to me by someone who believe in me. I pass this item to her to represent our link.

Next morning she gone, We hug one last time and I wisper I love you… she hug me even tighter. Late at night the same day I do the international call to see how she is doing… I said again I love you and just before she hang up she said… Me too…. ME TOO METOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO. I was like running and jumping and everything and have to call back to check with her what I heard.

When she got back to Japan I officially ask her out to be my girlfriend and she accept. ACCEPT!!!!!!! I felt like… flying. I miss every kiss she sent… Every song she gave… every love she give… every encouragement she put in me. But good time didn’t last very long… 2 months passed…

I went out of town to see Princess of Thailand. She failed sick… I was worry (lucimia) called her by the dozen worry because she look pail. I was even planning to fly to see her. Later when I can contact her everything is fine. But everything changed after that… something wrong between us… this part i just don’t want to remember… All i can say is next thing i know is she said it’s over… the reason was… i was not there, never been and never will…

I just do not understand… far apart is one thing, but falling in love in another… if you love someone, you love that person… no matter how far that person is, no matter that person will be alive or not… if you love someone you love someone…

Now time passed over a year… i know ok? This is stupid, said things about what over for a year and been together less than 2-3 months… i’m not sure anymore whether i really know her… but crap,… the fact that i love that person still remain and it’s not about not giving up… i can’t give up… just cant

Her name meant sunshine and moonlight… just like us… something that so belong yet still far away… different side of the sky… I missed her… so much